


Now you're all I'm thinking of

by bluesapphic



Series: Spierfeld Week 20gayteen [4]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Spierfeld Week, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 03:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14662470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesapphic/pseuds/bluesapphic
Summary: Bram and Simon room together in college.Spierfeld Week Day 4 - College/University





	Now you're all I'm thinking of

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Shows up five years later with Starbucks.  
> Anyway this turned out way longer than I wanted it to be, but I'm glad I finally wrote it. Also this sort of switches between Simon and Bram's perspectives. Sorry if that's confusing, but I tried to make it clear. I guess let me know if it makes no sense.  
> Hope you like it!

“For the record, I still think this is a really bad idea.” Leah said as she helped Simon unpack some of his stuff into the tiny dorm room.

“You think what is a bad idea?”

“You and Bram Greenfeld living together.”

Simon sighed, “Yeah, well. Nick was convinced that living with me would mean we would hate each other at the end of the year.”

“Okay, but what if you and _Bram_ hate each other at the end of the year? That wouldn’t be very good. Who will sit and study next to us while silently judging us because it’s finals week and we somehow still have 3 essays and 2 tests to cram for? And still be nice enough to give us his perfectly written notes so we don’t fail our classes?”

“Leah, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. And if I didn’t live with Bram, I’d be living with Garrett. No offense, but I really didn’t want to live with Garrett. He’s nice, but sometimes he’s just too much.”

“You could have gone random.”

“And just keep my fingers crossed that my random roommate isn’t homophobic? In Georgia? No thanks. At least I know that Bram is cool with it.”

“That’s true.”

“Anyway, you’re one to talk, you’re living with Abby.”

“Yeah, but I’m okay with hating her at the end of the year.”

Simon gave Leah an annoyed look, “Seriously? You’re not even going to try?”

“Simon, relax, I’m kidding. Plus if it gets bad, all I have to do is remember it’s just for this year. If it doesn’t work out, we can always get new roommates next year. And I’m positive she’s going to be hanging out in Nick’s room all the time anyway.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “If you say so.”

* * *

This was going to be some year, Bram could already tell. Surveying the mess of boxes that currently littered the room he was sharing with Simon, he shook his head, cursing his past self.

Why couldn’t he speak up in front of Simon? He should have said something, anything, when Simon had suggested living together. Living with the boy he’d had a crush on for four years? The boy who Bram was 99% sure was also his anonymous pen pal? Yeah, that was definitely the worst idea ever. And yet, when Simon had suggested it 6 months ago, all Bram could do was blush and nod.

“Hey Bram!” Simon said, finally noticing him at the doorway. “I’m so sorry the room is so freaking cluttered. I’m cleaning it up, I swear.”

“It’s alright,” Bram managed to mumble.

Simon grinned at him. “It’s going to be a great year! I promise.”

Bram tried not to grimace.

“Also, you’re like the neatest, most organized person I know, so you probably like your room to be immaculate, and, Scout’s honor, I will do my best to not be super messy. And if I forget to throw out the trash or wash dishes or whatever, feel free to, like, throw a soccer ball at me or spray me with water or something.”

Bram smiled softly at Simon’s resolve. “I’m sure that won’t be necessary.”

“Well, just in case, I’m giving you my permission.”

“Noted.”

* * *

Two weeks later, Bram was sitting at his desk, staring at the mess that was his chemistry homework. He was glad he’d thought to use scrap paper instead of his lab notebook so he didn’t have to turn in this complete disaster.

Bram was so focused on his work that he didn’t notice Simon standing next to him.

“Hey, Bram?” Simon asked gently, nudging his shoulder. “Can you please do me a huge favor?”

Bram turned away from his work to look at Simon. “What’s up?”

“So…the callout meeting for the GSA is today.”

“Okay,” Bram looked at Simon hesitantly.

“So, Leah was supposed to go with me. But then something happened with Abby and Nick and now Abby is dragging Leah to some poetry thing and I really want to go to this meeting, but I really, really don’t want to go by myself. Will you come with me?”

Bram glanced at the unfinished assignment before responding, “Yeah, sure, what time?”

“Right now?”

Bram sighed, arranging his work before getting up. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

Simon just showed off his trademark grin while exclaiming, “Thank you! You’re the best roommate ever, you know that?”

“I did, in fact, know that,” Bram deadpanned, but he felt a warmth spread over him at Simon’s compliment.

They walked to the meeting, Simon chattering away while Bram smiled and nodded, glad he didn’t have to say much. Despite living with Simon for two weeks, he was still so shy around his cute roommate.

The meeting was in one of the smaller lecture halls, there were maybe 50 seats in the room, about half of them filled with people.

Simon found two seats three rows in and sat down, still talking.

The room only quieted down when the person at the front of the room cleared their throat. “Hello, everyone, I’m so glad all of you could make it this evening. We’re going to start out by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Tell us your name and what year you’re in. Feel free to also tell us your gender, pronouns, and sexuality, if you feel comfortable doing so.”

Hearing that, Bram was suddenly filled with dread. Should he say he was gay? Not say anything at all?

“You okay?” Simon whispered to Bram as people began introducing themselves. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Bram swallowed and attempted a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

When it finally got to them, Simon had no problems smiling animatedly and saying, “Hey I’m Simon, I’m a freshman and I’m gay.”

And then Simon turned to him and Bram wasn’t sure he was going to be able to say anything at all.

The world slowed down and Bram was sure he spent an hour preparing himself, although in reality it was a few seconds. He took a few shaky breaths before saying, “H-Hi. I’m Bram. I’m also a freshman. And-” he paused, unsure he could go on. But then he glanced at Simon’s face and, somehow, it gave him courage. “And I’m gay, too.”

He saw Simon’s eyes widen slightly, but Bram ignored it, trying not to let the moment overwhelm him. He’d only ever come out to three people: his parents and Garrett. But now he’d said it in front of a room of strangers and his crush.

And now all he wanted to do was slink out of the room and cry, out of fear and relief.

* * *

Simon’s heart was pounding. Bram was gay. Cute Bram Greenfeld with his knobbly hands and soccer calves, who blushed constantly. His roommate Bram. So that was something.

* * *

After the meeting, Simon put his hand on Bram’s wrist. “Hey.”

Bram blushed and turned to look at Simon, nervousness still clear in his eyes.

“That was really brave of you, coming out like that. I hope you know that.”

Simon saw the nervousness fade, replaced with something else, although Simon couldn’t pinpoint what.

“Thanks, Simon. That means a lot.”

* * *

It wasn’t until a week after the meeting that Simon realizes Bram being gay might be a slight problem.

See, when Simon thought Bram was straight, every cute thing that he did was just a blip on Simon’s radar. Something for Simon to acknowledge before moving on. But now all of the cute moments made Simon smile and he couldn’t help but dwell on them. Which was bad news, because what about Blue?

Simon was starting to think maybe he has a thing for grammar nerds. Blue and Bram seemed to have that in common. Or maybe it was just that they’re both smart and thoughtful and funny.

That was something that sort of blew his mind now that he was living with Bram: he was honestly pretty hilarious. It may take a some constant chatter from Simon to wear him down, but when Bram finally spoke, he was all wit and charm.

And Simon was a little bit smitten. Or he would’ve been, if he didn’t have Blue.

* * *

Bram was jealous. Maybe he shouldn’t have been, maybe he didn’t even have a right to be, but it was tough looking at Simon so at ease with someone else. If Bram was just a little less awkward around cute boys. He’d thought after that GSA meeting, maybe Simon would realize-

But all of that was moot, because currently Bram was at some coming out day party the GSA had put together, standing against a wall holding a glass of something called Jungle Juice, and watching Simon laugh at one of Cal Price’s jokes. He took a sip of his drink and immediately started coughing.

“Dude, you okay?” Garrett asked.

Bram made a face, “This tastes terrible, what’s in it?”

“A little bit of everything, probably.”

“Whose idea was that?”

Garrett just rolled his eyes. “The point isn’t to enjoy the drink, it’s to get drunk. If you don’t want it, I’ll drink it.”

Bram handed the drink to Garrett and then went back to wallowing.

Garrett waited a minute before asking, “Okay, seriously you look like a wounded puppy, what’s wrong?”

Bram sighed. “Nothing. I’m being dumb.”

“Is it Spier?”

Bram didn’t respond.

“I bet he’d say yes if you asked him out.”

“You sure about that? Because he seems pretty invested in Cal over there.”

“Well, you won’t know until you try.”

Bram scoffed, “Oh I see. And you’re an expert on this because you finally asked Leah out?”

“Touché.”

“You know, she’s standing right there, talking to Abby. You could ask her out right now.”

“I could. But honestly, I don’t want to bug them right now. You know she broke up with Eisner this morning?”

“Yeah, Simon told me.”

“That really sucks for them. I thought they were perfect.”

“It always looks like that from the outside.”

Garrett looked at Bram for a moment, thinking. “I guess that’s true. Eisner just looked so happy, I wanted it to be perfect. I want that for all my friends, you know?”

“You’re a good person, Laughlin.”

“You are too.” Long pause. “Although you’d be even better if you asked Spier out.”

Bram just sighed.

* * *

Simon kept stealing glances at Bram. He was trying to pay attention to what Cal was saying, but honestly all he wanted to do was stare at Bram. And talk to him. Really, Simon would do just about anything if it meant he got to spend time with Bram.

It was funny because once upon a time, he’d thought Cal was Blue. Once upon a time, he would have killed to spend time with Cal. His 16-year-old self would have been ecstatic to know he was talking to his then crush at a GSA party.

But at the end of junior year, Simon had had a half hour conversation with Cal and his crush had fizzled completely. They had nothing in common, Simon’s crush had been superficial, it had been about Cal’s blue-green eyes. Cal could never be Blue.

But Bram was different, somehow. He could be Blue, Simon thought, but even if he wasn’t, Simon was still interested. He still wanted to kiss Bram. And that meant something.

* * *

_Dear Blue,_

_I want you to know that you’re one of my best friends. And that I really, truly care for you. But we’re in college now and I still don’t know who you are. And I get that you’re not ready. But I am ready. And I want to experience college the way that my straight friends do. I know this is kind of awkward, and you know that I’ll wait for you for forever. But I think I’m ready to date. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m interested in this guy, and I want to see where things could go with him and me. Even if he’s not you. Is that okay?_

_Love,_

_Jacques_

 

Bram stared at his computer for some time, not really believing what he’s seeing. Simon wanted to date someone else. Not him.

Bram closed his eyes, willing himself not to think of the other day at the party, where Simon was spending all his time with Cal. But it was all he could see: Simon’s radiant smile pointed at someone else.

Bram knew hearts couldn’t actually break, but if they could, he was sure his would be cracked into the tiniest pieces.

He didn’t want to respond to the email, not today, not ever.

He did anyway.

 

_Dear Jacques,_

_You really don’t need my permission to date. I hope all goes well._

_\- Blue_

* * *

Bram was a bit surprised to see Simon at his game later that day. Bram had managed to channel all of his emotions into the game, so he didn’t even notice Simon until the very end.

“Hey, Bram!” Simon was grinning, but something was off. Or maybe that was just Bram projecting.

Either way, Bram was not in the mood to deal with this. He muttered a “Hey, Simon” before walking quickly in the direction of his teammates.

“Hey! Wait up!”

Bram closed his eyes in annoyance, but slowed down anyway.

“That was a great game! Your last goal was amazing.”

“Thanks.” There was a beat of silence. “So, how’s Cal?”

“Cal?” Simon looked truly confused.

“Yeah. You know, Cal Price?”

“Oh. I don’t know. Good, I think?”

So maybe Simon hadn’t talked to him yet. Or maybe he hadn’t read the email yet.

“Hey, so I was thinking, do you want to grab pizza?”

Bram glanced at Simon. “Pizza?”

“Yeah, like, for dinner?”

“Oh. Um, I think the team is having dinner together.”

Simon’s face fell a little. “Oh, well, some other time then.”

And Bram couldn’t help it. He just had to say, “You can join, if you want.”

Simon perked up a little, “Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude on any team bonding.”

“You wouldn’t be.”

* * *

Simon tried, he really did. He’d asked Bram out five times in as many days, but every time, Bram turned it into a group thing or waved him off with excuses of too much homework.

And then there were the questions about Cal. Bram kept asking him how Cal was doing, if Simon had talked to him lately, or if they were studying together tonight.

And on top of all of that, Blue had been distant for the past week. Which, Simon knows, is his own fault. He shouldn’t have said anything. Then maybe he could have asked Bram out and gotten rejected and Blue would never know anything about it at all.

But that felt too much like lying, and Simon didn’t want to do that. Not to Blue, who he still loved and cared about so much.

Simon supposed he could try there too.

 

_Dear Blue,_

_I know you implied that you were okay with me dating people that aren’t you, but I get the feeling that you’re more upset about it than you let on. So, it may please you to know that it went nowhere. He likes someone else. It may take you some time to feel comfortable talking to me again, but I hope you do, because like I said before, you’re my best friend. And I miss you._

_Love,_

_Jacques_

* * *

Bram looked at Simon hesitantly. His email said things hadn’t gone his way, but Bram needed to be sure.

Simon did look miserable. He was sitting on his bed and frowning at the textbook in his lap, but it was obvious he wasn’t reading anything.

“Simon?”

Simon startled at the sound. “Yeah?”

“Um, how’s Cal?”

Simon glanced down sadly. So it really hadn’t gone well. “He’s fine, I think. You know, if you’re interested, I can introduce you, maybe set the two of you up sometime.”

“What?” Bram furrowed his eyebrows. “I am not interested in Cal.”

Simon looked at Bram a little incredulously. “If you say so.”

Simon didn’t look convinced.

“Seriously, I definitely do not have any feelings toward Cal.”

Simon still didn’t look like he believed Bram, but he mumbled, “Okay.” And then he went back to staring at his textbook.

* * *

Bram wasn’t used to silent Simon. Usually their room was filled with noise: Simon talking, Simon tapping a beat against his shins or his textbooks or his desk, Simon playing something for Bram because “you don’t know this song? You have to listen to it!”

But in the last week, it was like Simon was barely living. Cal must have done a number on him.

Currently, Simon was sitting at his desk, legs propped up, and gazing forlornly out at the pouring rain.

Bram looked at Simon for a moment longer before deciding that he had to at least try to cheer Simon up. “Hey Simon, can we talk?”

Simon didn’t move, didn’t say anything. The silence went on for long enough that Bram was getting ready to repeat the question before he heard a dejected, “Yeah, I guess if you want to.”

Bram sat down at the edge of Simon’s bed. “Are you okay?”

“Not really.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Simon, I’m really worried about you. You haven’t been yourself for a week.”

Simon sighed, finally swinging his chair around to look at Bram. “Sorry for worrying you. It’s just, there’s this boy that I like and he doesn’t like me back and I’m upset about it. I’ll get over it.”

Bram wasn’t sure how to continue. He wanted to reach out and hold Simon’s hand and tell him everything was going to be okay. He wanted to leave the conversation so that he didn’t have to hear Simon talk about someone else. But mostly Bram wanted to see Simon smile again, to light up the room with the sound of his voice and his music. So he pressed on. “Tell me about this boy, maybe that will help.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Talking about it is always a good idea. Your mom’s a psychiatrist, I’m sure she would agree.”

Simon closed his eyes, like he was blocking out the world. “I don’t even know what to say; I’m not sure anything I say will do him justice. He’s the best person I know. Smart and kind and thoughtful and caring. And he’s so beautiful, all I want to do is spend all of my time with him.”

Bram felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and was glad Simon’s eyes were closed. If they weren’t, Simon would be able to see the pain written clearly all over Bram’s face. If only Simon thought of him that way. If only Simon would talk about him the way he talked about this other boy, the way he talked about Cal. Bram swallowed. “He sounds amazing.”

Simon opened his eyes then, showing glistening tears ready to be shed at any moment, “He is. But he doesn’t like me. He likes someone else. Someone better than me in every way. Honestly, looking back, I never had a chance.”

Bram was quiet for a moment, wishing he could wrap his arms around Simon. But he couldn’t. He was already breaking his own heart with this conversation. “Simon, you’re amazing too. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“It’s true. You’re funny and passionate and-”

“Bram, don’t do this.” And a tear leaked out the corner of Simon’s eye.

And Bram couldn’t help it, he reached out and wiped the tear away. “Simon, I’m sorry. I’d fix this if I knew how.” I’d do anything for you to be happy again, Bram added silently.

“I wish there was something you could do.” Simon blinked back a few more tears and then got up. “I’m going for a walk.”

“In the rain?”

“Yeah. I need to clear my head.”

And Bram let him go.

* * *

Three weeks later, Simon was eating lunch with Cal.

“You’ve gotten so much better at singing, Simon.” Cal was smiling. “Seriously, I know they usually cast seniors for lead, but you may actually have a shot.”

“Thanks, Cal.” Simon said wryly. He looked around the dining hall, searching for Abby and Leah, who apparently had some news. He spotted Bram holding a tray instead and realized this was the perfect opportunity.

“Bram!” Simon waved enthusiastically until Bram glanced over and smiled. Simon felt his heart hurt a little. But this was good thing. Simon was doing a good thing.

Bram waved back, but then went back to looking for a table.

“Bram!” Simon called again, this time waving him over. Bram looked hesitant, but he walked over anyway.

“Hey Simon. Cal.”

“Hi Bram.” Cal said with a small smile.

“Sit, sit!” Simon insisted.

“Oh. I-um-I don’t want to intrude.”

“Intrude on what?” Simon asked.

Bram looked at Simon, confused. “Nothing, never mind.” He shook his head and sat down.

Simon turned to Cal. “Hey, so Bram was just telling me the other day that he’s trying to get more into musicals. You should totally give him a crash course.”

“What?” Bram asked just as Cal said, “Yeah, sure.”

Cal immediately launched into it, giving Bram a list of musicals he had to watch and-

“Whoa, hold on, I meant, like, you two should get together sometime and talk about musicals. Not right now. Sorry. Should have clarified.”

Cal looked uncomfortable. “Oh. Sorry.” And then, “Actually I’m kind of seeing someone.”

* * *

Simon looked surprised at that revelation. Bram’s head was spinning. He didn’t know what to think. Simon was setting him up with Cal? Cal was in a relationship and Simon didn’t know?

“I think I’m going to go now,” Cal said, picking up his tray.

“No! Cal, stay, I’m sorry I made this awkward.” Simon said.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know. But I think the two of you have some things you should talk about, so I’m going to leave you to it.”

He walked off and Bram looked at Simon expectantly.

“Shit, I’m so sorry Bram, I would have told you if I’d known he was dating someone. I wouldn’t have tried to set you up if-”

“I don’t like Cal, Simon.”

“Yeah, you said that before. But that can’t be true because, because that week, you remember that week before I got all mopey? You kept asking about him. Every time I talked to you, it was all “How’s Cal?” and “What are you and Cal doing today?” I mean, come on.”

And realization dawned on him. He’d been asking Simon about Cal because he thought Simon liked Cal, but Simon thought it was because _Bram_ liked Cal. He supposed that made sense. “Simon, I don’t like Cal. I swear. I was asking about him because I thought _you_ liked him.”

“Oh.” Simon pondered that for a minute. “Well I don’t. Didn’t. Haven’t since high school.”

“Oh.”

Silence and then, “Why did you think I liked Cal?”

And Bram knew now was the time to put his heart on the line. “Because of that party. The coming out party. You looked so happy with him. And then-” Bram took a deep breath, “And then you emailed me.”

“I emailed you?”

“Yeah.”

Simon’s eyes widened. “You’re Blue?”

And Bram’s suspicions were confirmed. “Yeah.”

“Wow. I can’t believe I didn’t figure that out.”

“It’s fine.” Bram bit his lip and stared at his hands. “Anyway, you emailed me saying you wanted to see someone else and-”

“-Bram-”

“-all I could think about was the way you looked at him at that party and-”

“-Bram-”

“-I just assumed-”

“-Abraham!” Simon exclaimed, startling Bram. “I was talking about _you_. I wanted to date you.”

Bram looked at him dumbly.

“I asked you out every day that week. You kept blowing me off.”

And Bram’s heart stopped. That was true. Simon had asked him out. But he’d assumed that it was their normal friendship stuff. “Oh.”

And of course, it was that moment that Abby and Leah decided to show up.

“Hey guys!” Abby grinned as they both sat down.

Bram noticed immediately that they had set their entwined hands in plain view on the table.

“Hey,” Simon said awkwardly, clearly trying to recover from the seriousness of their previous conversation. “So…you said you had news?”

The three of them looked at Simon, eyebrows raised.

“What are you all staring at me for?”

“Seriously, Si? You’re so oblivious sometimes.” Leah rolled her eyes and then glanced purposefully at her hand.

Simon followed her eyes and “Oh! What?! When did this happen? Does Nick know? Wow.”

Abby grinned before launching into the full story.

* * *

Later, in their room, they were sitting on Simon’s bed, leaning against the headboard. Simon was staring into space and drumming his fingers nervously. “So, listen. You obviously knew it was me, that I was Jacques, and it’s fine if you don’t find me attractive or whatever, I’ll get over it. But you were my best friend and I miss you, as Blue and as Bram. So, if you want to pretend like none of this happened and go back to that, I can handle it.”

“Are you kidding?” Bram asked scooting closer. “You think I don’t find you attractive? Simon, I’ve had a crush on you since freshman year of high school.”

Simon looked up at Bram and found himself staring right into the softest brown eyes. Simon whispered, “Really?”

And there was a catch in his voice as Bram said, “Simon.”

And then Bram was putting his hand on Simon’s cheek.

Simon leaned forward. “I want to kiss you.”

“So kiss me.”

* * *

_Dear Simon,_

_I apologize for the distance. You should know that you’re my best friend too._

_I do have a confession, though. I think I’ve fallen for this boy. He’s amazing. His smiles light up the room and when he looks at me, I feel like the most important person in the world. And I love his perpetual bed head and his beautiful moon-gray eyes and the way he holds eye contact for just a little bit too long._

_And I’m crazy about him._

_I’m crazy about you._

_Love,_

_Bram_


End file.
